No news is good news, huh?
I would so love to be a great blogger. I mean, I love writing, and I would love to write regularly to be better at it. But to be honest, God has been working on me to be better at things I am already supposed to be good at – like mothering and wife-ing. I don’t reckon He felt blogging was up there. Sadly, because it’s so much easier than actually living.
Example: last weekend I was socked sideways by the realization that when you ask God for wisdom, he gives it … but only with equal measures of humility. So if I am slugging some blunt ‘wisdom’ at my husband to make him get it, but there’s not an ounce of humility alongside it … it’s not from God, and … well. That’s not what I want to be.
As for my babies, faith in Jesus is everything to me. As the hymn goes, how he’s proved himself o’er and o’er. And yet, sad was my understanding that I was relying on church, programs, groups, other people, to teach my children about God instead of …. doing it myself.
So I am concentrating on “being” it for these people given to me. Ironically enough I like myself more being this “basic” version instead of the super-woman I was winging for. It’s a full feeling being all here. (Mostly)
Jesse is healthy-ish, funny, happy, and deaf as a post. He’s been deaf on and off for a long time, but right now, it’s all the way “on”. A few weeks ago we were picking apples at a local farm, and Tim said “Jesse, slow down on eating apples or you’ll lose a tooth.” Jesse said “What? I’ll have a thousand poos?”
That is going to be one that haunts him for the rest of his life. A thousand poos. Crazy ears.
The gift is that next Wednesday he has surgery to put tubes in those ears and remove his adenoids and do a kidney biopsy (second time for all three things) so he can hear again. I’m looking for the good in it because being intubated and hospitalized is not high up on the bucket list I have for our kids. Especially since all of these things have already been ticked off for Jesse.
But he seems to be more OK with it than I am. I am OK … but not unconcerned. Intubation has never been his strong point. He’s 6, and you’d think he would start throwing his weight around, but no. I think it’s because he misses all the subtleties and nuances of communication. He sees that I’m smiling, so no reason for him not to smile too.
I met with his teacher this week, and she said he’s well-liked at school. I believe God gave him a head of genetically-improbable curly hair to oil some of his way through life. Another gift. It’s hard to not smile at a kid with hair like that. But I understand why he’s easy to like: the nuance-blind means he doesn’t register snubs, slights or disinclinations to play with him. He tells you when he loves something you’ve got, done, said, but unless you sock him in the eye (Molly, this means you), he’ll be your biggest fan. His teacher told me there’s always volunteers to help Jesse. A gift?
Sigh. This is me looking for the positive in the fact he needs helping. I don’t know whether it’s the male in him, the effects of toxins stunting his brain synapses or simple delay, but if he dropped a pencil or put down his drink and walked off, you can bet that to him, the pencil is lost and the drink has disappeared totally. Yet he can focus on school work or his Kumon maths for an easy hour. But not the pencil. He can work the iPad better than Tim, but needs a good 20 minutes to remember he has to put on his shoes. He can spell the word “what” out loud, but it may take him 5 minutes to write it down.
And yet. So what. Right? So what. So he’s vague. But he’s got an amazing memory and ….. he’s so loving. Oh. Today we were sitting doing some drawing and colouring altogether, and Jesse said “Do you like my drawing Mum? Because I want to make you happy. I want my drawing to make you happy.” I can’t tell you how that humbles me.
So if you can pray for our loving, vague, humbling, nuance-free boy on Wednesday, we would be grateful. For free-ears, complication-free surgery and recovery. We leave for our first visit home to Australia in four years – since Jesse got sick – only two weeks later. Cutting things a little fine for my liking, but grateful it could happen at all. A thousand gifts. Really, there’s gifts all around me and if I have to work to see them, I totally believe it’s worth it.